Taking a break from arting to sit in front of the mirror and admire how cute I look in this dress I made today. Judge me.
Oh sister, I hear ya. The worst is when you don’t even realize he’s a bear until you put a bucket on his head and it activates the dormant curse of some fungus sprite. Dating’s a bitch.
"Every time I meet a man he’s either gay or a bear" is the SECOND funniest riff of all time. Discuss.
I one time killed a frankenstein
whilst shopping in a store
He lurched towards me, arms outstretched
as I ambled toward the door
In my hands, a new bandana
a hat, ten gallons deep
In my body was a soul
which my body aimed to keep
His voice was ghastly as he spoke in halting monster speech
and I tried, with all my might, to stay out of his reach
He said, “You gotta pay for that” and filled my heart with dread
and then I drew my six-gun and shot the monster dead
The news reports described the monster simply as a man
to keep from terrifying folks as only a frankenstein can.
|—||"I One Time Killed A Frankenstein" by Dalton Wilcox, poet laureate of the west (via christophersebela)|
I’ll put him in a cowboy hold. No problem.
You Must Buy Your Wife at Least as Much Jewelry as You Buy Your Horse and Other Poems and Observations, Humorous and Otherwise, from a Life on the Range
I get where anonymous is coming from because I was like that for awhile, but then I started really analyzing the lyrics on stuff like Biggie’s "Gimmie The Loot" and "Things Done Changed" and it opened up a whole other realm of understanding for my dumb, wack ass.
Brent Forrester on John Swartzwelder:
I remember distinctly one time being a young comedy writer, and Swartzwelder just happened to be sitting there, smoking a cigarette on the lawn. And I thought, Man, I’m just gonna ask John Swartzwelder a random question and see what he says in return. And I said, “John, what would you do if you had all the money that you could spend?” And without a moment’s hesitation he said, “I would buy a battleship and the Empire State Building. With the Empire State Building, I would just let it run down and get decrepit. Because people would say, ‘You can’t do that! That’s the Empire State Building!’ I would say, ‘No, I can! I own the Empire State Building.’ The battleship” he said, “I just think it would change people’s conversations with me if they knew I had a battleship.”